saying bye to instagram, for my health
i’m struggling to admit that a social app on my phone, one i looked to for inspiration and to express myself creatively, has completely warped my perspective and had such a negative impact on my life that i’m finding the need to let it go. i’m not sure for how long, i’m not giving myself a deadline, just until i start to feel…better.
i know i’m not alone, social media has been linked to a higher risk of depression, anxiety, stress and low self-esteem.
i’ve found myself feeling inadequate. feeling less than for not having a perfectly cute and tidy house full of natural light, neutral colors and thriving plants. i’m so embarrassed by the old dingy paint on my walls and stained carpets that i don’t even invite my friends to come over.
i’m in a bad place mentally and financially. buying the dainty jewelry, going out to the cute spots for expensive meals i can’t afford. desperate to look like i have my shit together, like my bed is always made and all the books i read are intelligent and thought-provoking.
the truth? i’m broke! i work for a small non-profit, my fiancé is going back to school full-time and not bringing in much money every month. we’re getting by, we have the means to be comfortable, i should be happier. more content. but i’m not. i’m trying to fill the void with whatever random article of clothing or organic bedspread i find on instagram. instead of investing in our future by saving money i’m blowing it all for a truly fleeting moment of satisfaction. a moment moment doesn’t last long and leaves me feeling guilty. ashamed. embarrassed.
another truth, i’m a literal mess! i have so many things and i have no idea what to do with it all. in my search for things to make me feel like the meg i wish i was, i’ve accumulated a lot. a lot of things with no purpose or function in my life. a lot of things that ironically, make me feel more anxious.
leading me to another truth…i’m incredibly anxious. pretty much all the time. i find myself apologizing for taking up space, either physically or emotionally in someone’s life. i have myself convinced that the majority of people actively choosing to be in my life find me annoying and really don’t like me at all. i’ve always lived with anxiety, but constantly comparing myself to everyone around me and feeling embarrassed of the life i’m living can’t be helping.
so i’m done. i’m done being embarrassed. i’m done comparing. i’m done killing myself and my bank account to keep up. where has that gotten me? i deserve better, my partner deserves better and my cats definitely deserve better.
instead of turning to digital squares of curated inspiration when i’m bored, i’ll be turning to my books, looking up art and reaching out to my friends. i’m shifting my focus from wanting to appreciating. i already have so much. i have a job that i love, a roof over my head and a partner that supports and loves me unconditionally. i have friends that bring so much joy to my life. i don’t need a perfect home, or a perfect meal or fancy makeup.
i’m looking for myself, who i want to be without the influence of seemingly perfect strangers.
so hit me up outside of instagram, text me if you have my number or shoot me an email (firstname.lastname@example.org). i’m still a social butterfly, just going to flutter outside of social media for a while.